How do you feel about getting chatty in bed? Do you like to keep the discourse going while you get it on, or do you think sex is a time for quiet focus? Here's the good news: There is no "right" answer. It's all about what works for you and your partner. However, if you find that your partner won’t stop talking during sex when you prefer silence in the bedroom, that can be frustrating, to say the least.
According to Elise Schuster, a sexuality educator and founder of the okayso app, it's not uncommon to have different preferences in the bedroom. "We all need different things from our partners when we're having sex, and talking is definitely on that list," Schuster tells Elite Daily. "Sometimes it's very easy to lose focus or get wrapped up in our own thoughts and what someone else is saying (or not saying) can pull us away from what's happening. Sometimes it might not be the amount of talking, but what your partner is saying when they're talking that might also be an issue if they're saying something that feels degrading or commanding in ways that are a turn-off for you."
Is this sounding a bit too familiar? If so, the best way to address the issue and find a healthy solution is to talk about it, as Carlyle Jansen, a sex expert and founder of Good For Her, tells Elite Daily. "You can’t fix something by not discussing it," Carlyle tells Elite Daily. "Deep emotional intimacy and connection is built on these tough conversations. Besides, no one wants to have sex where their partner is just going through the motions."
If you're worried about this conversation being awkward, or about potentially embarrassing or inadvertently shaming your partner, I get it! That's why I reached out to Jansen and Schuster for advice on how to talk to your SO about what you need in bed, when what you really need is for them to quiet down a bit.
How To Broach The Subject.
The trickiest part of dealing with this relationship issue may simply be — ironically enough — speaking up about it. But, as Schuster explains, it's important that you communicate your needs to your partner. “It's always a great idea to talk to a partner about things like this. As much as we might want them to be, our partners are not mind readers, they can't know what we need unless we tell them,” says Schuster.
Jansen suggests a softer approach. “I like the game ‘Three Oranges and a Lemon.’ Each partner states what they love about their erotic connection… and one thing that you would like differently,” she explains. According to Jansen, this creates the opportunity for you to say two things you love about your sex life, and one thing that you’d like to change. In this case, your "lemon" would be the bedroom chit-chat.
In situations like these, timing is also key, says Schuster. “My number one sex communication tip is this: Create regular times when you check in about your sex life with your partner that are not right before, during, or after sex. Set aside a long walk or dinner or Saturday morning coffee time to check in about how things are going. This works well because it's much easier to hear something hard when we're not in the middle of it all. As you're having that conversation, you can bring up talking,” she suggests.
When you talk about it, her advice is to keep the focus on how their verbal displays affect you, to prevent them from getting defensive or embarrassed. “Before you bring it up, think carefully about what it is about it that you don't like and explain that to your partner,” says Schuster.
Finding A Healthy Compromise.
Once you’ve gotten over that initial hurdle of talking to your partner about how you're feeling, the next step is to find a compromise that works for both of you. “Resolving this issue may depend on each particular couple,” says Schuster. “If someone doesn't like any talking at all, then most likely the only resolution is for the other person to try not to talk. However, there are also lots of other variations. It could be that certain kinds of talking are great while others aren't, or that talking before someone is really aroused feels awkward, but once someone is aroused it feels better. The thing that's amazing about sex is [that] there are lots of different ways that it can look,” she explains. Schuster adds that you’ll know you’ve found the right compromise when you both feel like you're getting what you need to enjoy your shared sexual experiences.
Jansen says it’s ultimately all about focusing on the bigger picture. “Compromise can work well when both parties appreciate the greater good of the relationship and are honest and kind,” she concludes. That’s perhaps the most important takeaway, because it applies to this situation and just about all others in a relationship. It's important to speak up about what you need and communicate with your partner to find a middle ground where you're both happy. The idea is to do it with kindness while keeping the focus on the two of you being a team. When you approach it like that, what can't you get through together?
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