How A Sex Therapist Can Help If You & Boo Are Sexually Incompatible

When you're super into someone emotionally, feeling sexually disconnected can be totally disorienting. No matter how long you've been with your boo, if you're sexually incompatible with your partner, it's natural to wonder what the heck to do about it. Although everyone is different, if getting frisky with your partner feels a little off, seeing a sex therapist may help you both feel totally on — turned on, that is. (I can't believe I just said that.)

"A sex therapist helps individuals become more confident in areas of sexuality," Cate Mackenzie, psychosexual therapist tells Elite Daily. "For couples a sex therapist can help a couple communicate better and grow or re-grow a better sexual relationship."

According to Mackenzie, seeing a sex therapist can help you and your boo get more grounded in your bodies. Maybe you have trouble getting and staying aroused, or your partner struggles to climax. Whatever the case, working with a sex therapist can help you both unpack your desires and needs, together and individually.

"It is always a great idea for each individual to be in tune with their sexual needs separate from their partner so that they have a good sense of themselves and their body," Mackenzie says. "If [the incompatibility] is about different desires, then [sex therapy] may be really exploring what is possible and what do you both want. What are your sexual wishes? It may be that you want different things and to explore these in different ways." Sex therapy can provide a safer space for you and your boo to dive into your fantasies and learn more about your bodies. If you're not sure how to explain your needs or what your needs are, talking to a professional may help you both understand your own bodies and communicate more efficiently.

For Moushumi Ghose, MFT and sex therapist, sex therapy primarily focuses on relationships and intimacy. "Much of sex therapy focuses on helping couples understand one another, communicate better, have more conversations about sex, understand their own sexual desires, fantasies, fetishes; embrace their kinks in healthy ways," Ghose tells Elite Daily. "The list is endless, mainly because sexuality is a big part of who we are." If you like to have rougher sex, and your partner likes it gentle, seeing a sex therapist may help you openly communicate about your preferences. Additionally, if you and your boo don't actually know what you're into or don't talk about sex often, seeing a sex therapist may get the sexy talk-ball rolling.

"Sexual incompatibility is often a lack of understanding one's own sexuality and/or the inability to communicate one's sexual needs," Ghose says. "No two people are ever going to have identical sexual desires. There are too many variations in sexuality! In sex therapy, we strive to understand first our own sexuality. Then we work towards developing the appropriate language to communicate what we need and want." As Ghose shares, communicating with your partner about your needs and desires can be the first step in building your sexual compatibility.

Though talking about sex can be, well, fun and sexy, Ghose adds that fully understanding your sexuality may come with some serious moments, too. "In [sex therapy] many discover 'roadblocks' which are usually related to something historical or something in our past," Ghose says. "Maybe we have shame about sex, perhaps we have shame about our bodies, perhaps we have low self-worth, low self-esteem. These can influence how we show up with our partners. Some 'incompatibilities' are quicker to fix than others, and there is certainly no one size fits all."

Feeling some lingering body weirdness from middle school or questioning your sexuality as you grow is totally OK. Whether you feel a little sheepish asking your boo to go down on you or you're not quite ready to try a new position, sex therapy can help you get clear on your boundaries. Though you and your boo may already be comfortable talking about your preferences, seeing a therapist can help you fully understand your likes and dislikes between the sheets.

"Being compatible and incompatible may come from many different points: desire, physicality, smell, frequency, taste, orientation, choice, preferences," Mackenzie says. "If you can open up a dialogue about your compatibility (especially with a therapist) then who knows what could open up. If you are committed to each other, you can make a fun project of working out what the other or you want and making plans to give to each other."

If you're feeling sexually incompatible with your boo, Ghose shares some sexy things you can try at home, too. "Do something sexy together every single day: a massage, a shower, a makeout session. You show up for work every day, right? Why wouldn't you show up for this fun thing in your life?!?," Ghose says. "Masturbate alone and pay attention to your fantasies, these are key to what turns you on with a partner. Start talking about sex today. Having difficult and awkward conversations is the only way to growth."

Of course, if you're looking for some DIY sexy projects, you could try taking a shower with your boo or scheduling a steamy evening session. Though no two couples are alike, if you're feeling a little sexually disconnected, seeing a sex therapist may be just what the love doctor ordered.