You Should Be Breaking Up Over Voice Memo

“Men should be afraid to receive a voice memo from you,” one of my friends recently told me. Honestly, she’s not wrong. I’m not the type of person who communicates over voice memo on any given day — not with friends or family members, and certainly not with men I’m pursuing… unless I’m breaking up with them.

Before you write me off as some heartless wench, let me give you some context: I would never end things with someone I was seriously dating over voice memo. This method is strictly reserved for the guys I’ve seen only a handful of times.

If you’ve been on two to three dates with someone, you may argue that ghosting is fine. My personal take? There’s nothing more disrespectful. Others may say a simple “I’m not interested” text will suffice, but I implore you to think about the last breakup message you received. Did you spiral trying to decipher the tone, then convince yourself there was a deeper meaning? I’ve been there, and TL;DR, babe, it’s never that serious.

A clear and concise voice memo takes out the possibility of things getting lost in communication. They’re able to clearly hear my tone, it shows that I care enough about their feelings to speak mine, and it gently closes the door on a connection that simply wasn’t working.

While I personalize each voice memo to the person, each one lasts about 45 seconds to one minute. I keep things light-hearted yet assertive, explaining why I don’t see a future between us, but also wishing them luck on their search for love. And yes, sometimes I even throw in a joke.

I hate letting people down, yet knowing I’m able to say my piece in a mature, communicative way feels like the best way to do so. That said, my friends recently brought up a good point — I have no idea how my ex-flames feel about this method. Do men appreciate it? Is it weird? To settle the debate, I reached out to past lovers (and also asked my current roster) to see if my go-to breakup approach is as well-received as it seems in my head.

It felt like you were taking a moment to be more thoughtful and caring for me.

This past May, I ended things with Ethan*, 29, after three casual dates. On top of trying to balance work, friends, and alone time, I was in the midst of apartment hunting and knew that continuing to explore this connection would leave me spread too thin, which I explained in my voice memo. He seemed to take it pretty well, and I ended up cordially meeting him a few weeks later to retrieve my underwear that got lost in another dimension (aka under his bed).

For him, the voice memo was much appreciated. “Everything seemed like it was going well, so it felt like you were taking a moment to be more thoughtful and caring for me, even though you were demolishing my self esteem :),” he says. (Note: He is a comedian and later confirmed I did not actually wreck his confidence.) “A text would’ve been a little cold since we were in that stage between a few dates and a full-on situationship, so the voice note felt natural and good.”

I wasn’t expecting to get a response from Caesar*, 31, a man I went on two dates with last summer, mainly because I didn't think he’d remember me. However, I was pleasantly surprised to see him answer my request. While we had a great connection and he earned himself extra brownie points for his take on the Barbie movie — which we saw together — I broke things off to explore a more fiery connection with someone else.

It was a lot easier for you to communicate what you needed to.

He was rather indifferent about getting the voice memo. “It didn’t really affect me one way or the other honestly… I saw that you were composing a text for like 20 minutes and were trying to be really considerate and thoughtful,” he says. (FYI: When you’re recording a voice memo, the typing bubbles show up for the other person.) But he saw that it was a helpful method for me. “I’m glad you sent a voice memo instead since it was a lot easier for you to communicate what you needed to.” I’ve come a long way since this one: I now prepare a little script so I don’t choke and end up re-recording what I need to say.

It was one thing reaching out to men from my past, but bringing up this topic to current partners felt odd. I mean, now they know that receiving a voice memo from me probably won’t be good. Still, asking my roster did give me some further insight into how men think. Most felt like this would be a considerate way to end things, but Derek*, 34, who I have seen twice, had strong opinions. He said that if we were to end things, regardless of how long we’d been seeing each other, he’d expect it to be done in person. His reasoning? Breakup sex.

Even though the responses I got were mixed, my consensus after reaching out to roughly 10 men is that voice memo breakups are much better than a text, minimize the possibility of misunderstandings, and are a solid way to respectfully end things. I’m glad I found a method to handle tough conversations in a concise and considerate manner that lessens the blow and diminishes my anxiety in the process.

Funnily enough, I haven’t heard from Derek since that conversation… about two weeks ago. While the personal chemistry was electric, we lacked that spark in the bedroom, and even though he said he preferred an in-person breakup, I think it’s about time I send my next voice memo. After all, it has a proven track record for me.

*Names have been changed.