Time to be honest with yourself.
As much as we all might wish cheating is rare, the fact is, it happens... a lot. For some folks, it’s a one-time thing. You make a mistake, learn from it, and move on. But for others, cheating can become more of a pattern. You want to be faithful to your partner, but you don’t know how to stop cheating. If you find yourself wondering why you can’t resist the urge, the first thing to know is that this behavior is more common than you might think.
In a 2015 study published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers found that the average person has about a 42% chance of cheating on their partner. Another study, conducted in 2017 and published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior showed that once someone cheats, they are three times more likely to cheat again.
But why? Why do serial cheaters cheat? According to NYC relationship expert Susan Winter, there are many motivating reasons for repeated infidelity, and only you can know what your own motives are. She says it could simply be the desire for personal validation. "Who doesn't want to feel attractive?” Winter tells Elite Daily. “The cheater feels elevated by their conquest. This proves their worth. And the more hits of recognition and personal validation gained, the better the cheater feels about themselves." After all, sex is addicting, and getting with other people can distract you from your worries for a short time.
For some, Winter says the impetus to cheat is about unhappiness in a relationship, explaining that "serial cheaters ... can be motivated by resentment. If their spouse is constantly belittling them, cheating is one way of getting even. It shifts the power dynamic and feels like a win for the partner that holds long-standing resentments." Maybe you don’t feel valued and loved by your partner, so you are seeking out that affirmation from other people. You’re stuck in a loop of feeling frustrated, asking yourself, “Why do I keep cheating?” Yet that lack of fulfillment in your own relationship leads you to infidelity again and again.
It could also boil down to self-esteem issues. "Insecurity demands that more is better," Winter says. '"When in doubt, increase the numbers [of partners] to pump up your value, attraction and desirability." Having secret affairs can fill the hole in your heart and mask the negative feelings you might have toward yourself.
Any of these could be the cause, but relationship expert and host of the Dates & Mates podcast, Damona Hoffman, thinks cheating comes down to another common issue: addiction.
“Serial cheaters are essentially addicts,” she says. “They are addicted to the endorphins that come from falling in love (even if it's just for one night) and the adrenaline that comes with the potential for being caught.”
Understanding why people are unfaithful is one thing, but what about serial cheaters who want to change their ways? Is it possible to turn over a new leaf if you’re willing to put in the work? The short answer is: Yes and no. Here is what the experts say about how to stop cheating for good.
01Get Some Professional Outside Help
For a repeat cheater to change their ways, Winter says the most important factor is that they want to change — without that personal drive, it’s a non-starter. If you really do want to change, then Winter’s advice is to seek out a qualified medical professional to “get to the root of the issue, and commit yourself to healing the obsessive need to cheat.”
Hoffman agrees that the first step is working with a professional to uncover the cause of the behavior, saying “it's important to understand where this drive to cheat is coming from and why there is a disconnect from the hurt and pain you cause your partner when you do it.” The reason for this, she explains, is that it has to “be dealt with from the root cause, not the effect.”
02Practice Total Transparency In Your Relationship
One of the ways to help break out of the cheating pattern is to make it much harder to keep secrets from your partner. Not only will this reduce the chances of you slipping back into old behaviors, but total transparency is a good way to help rebuild the trust you and your partner may have lost. Hoffman suggests you “give them your password logins, share a calendar, over-communicate about your comings and goings. It's paramount to build trust back up again. That can take a long time, but it begins with being completely upfront and ensuring that your words match your actions time and time again.”
03Embrace Ethical Non-Monogamy & Be Honest With Your Partner(s)
Ethical non-monogamy is a normal and growing lifestyle for people of all generations, including millennials and Gen Z. One 2016 study found that one in five single U.S. adults reported engaging in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives. Another study found that four to five percent of U.S. adults consider themselves polyamorous. Monogamy can feel unnatural for some people, and there is nothing fundamentally wrong or immoral about dating multiple people at once. The key is to do so with honesty and the consent of all parties involved.. Winter says if you are a serial cheater and you don’t want to change, your best move is to just lean in and embrace it as part of who you are — but do it with integrity. What does that mean? Well, simply own it and be open about the fact that monogamy is not for you.
“Live your life in honesty, and accept this reality," says Winter. "Making peace with the fact that you cannot or will not be faithful is a huge step in relieving the guilt and shame you've been carrying." Instead of cheating, seek out partners who are comfortable with non-monogamy, or even explore polygamy. The key, says Winter, is to make sure you “inform all prospective partners as to this truth. This eliminates your need for lying and betrayal. It isn't the truth that hurts us. It's the lies that we're led to believe.”
You've got some legit options. You can either work to change, or just embrace your truth and follow a less traditional — but more honest — path.
Studies Referenced:
Knopp, K., Scott, S., Ritchie, L. et al. (2017) Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships. Arch Sex Behav. 46: 2301. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1
Watkins, S. J., & Boon, S. D. (2016). Expectations regarding partner fidelity in dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 33(2), 237–256. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407515574463Haupert, M. L., Gesselman, A. N., Moors, A. C., Fisher, H. E., & Garcia, J. R. (2016). Prevalence of Experiences With Consensual Nonmonogamous Relationships: Findings From Two National Samples of Single Americans. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(5), 424–440. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623x.2016.1178675
Rubin, JD, Moors, AC, Matsick, JL, Ziegler, A., & Conley, TD (2012). On the Margins: Considering Diversity among Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. Journal of Psychology , 22 (1). Retrieved from https://journal-fuer-psychologie.de/article/view/324
Experts:
Susan Winter, NYC relationship expert
Damona Hoffman, relationship expert and host of the Dates & Mates podcast
Updated by Elite Daily staff.
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