My Recent Ex Keeps Reaching Out. How Do I Set A Boundary?

Q: What do I do if my newly separated ex keeps reaching out? I want to keep talking to her, but it feels like it’s only hurting us both. — Jess*

A: Hi Jess! I’m proud of you for recognizing that this situation isn’t helping either of you. Breakups are so, so hard, especially when there’s still love and care between both parties and you don’t want to cut off contact entirely.

That said, my gut instinct is that you and your ex need to take some intentional time apart. It’s nearly impossible to grieve a relationship when that person is still actively present in your life — maybe in an ideal world, sure, but in my personal experience, it can feel like constantly reopening a wound before it’s had time to heal. The more you touch it, the more it bleeds and scabs, and the longer it ultimately takes to get better. (Sorry for the gross medical imagery, but I do think this is a useful visual.)

I’m not saying you can never speak to your ex again, although I do think it’s worth considering what you’d want your relationship to look like moving forward. Do you actually see yourself as platonic friends? Are you holding out hope that you’ll get back together? If it’s the latter, I’d encourage you to think critically about what would need to be different the second time around.

Each of you needs support right now, but you’re not in a position to provide it to each other.

In the meantime, you need time and space to readjust to life outside of this relationship. That means learning what it feels like to exist day-to-day without speaking to your ex. It will probably be really sh*tty at times, and you’ll notice the void of you two not talking. But sitting with those feelings and actively confronting them is essential to moving forward. Unfortunately, the only way through it is through it.

Since your ex is the one reaching out, I’m guessing she’s also struggling to move on. Continuing to engage with her is putting a bandage on her wound, too, because she’s still getting the benefit of communicating with you rather than having to face the breakup on her own.

Each of you needs support right now, but you’re not in a position to provide it to each other. Instead, look to other people in your lives — friends, roommates, family members, a therapist — to help you process your feelings and sit with you through them.

I’d suggest putting a hard boundary on any kind of communication with your ex for at least a few months, and letting her know that you need that space. It’s the most caring thing to do right now for both of you, and I hope she’ll respect your wishes and orient her energy elsewhere.

*Name has been changed.

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