I Found Out The Guy I’m Seeing Ghosted A Girl I Know
Do I ask him about it? Let it go? Or should I end things?
Q: At my book club this month, I found out that a guy I’ve been seeing was previously dating a girl in the group. They aren’t talking anymore, but there was some overlap between us, and he ghosted her after they hooked up. I’m not best friends with the girl, but I’m not really sure where to go from here. Do I ask him about it? Let it go? Or should I end things with him? Do you think “once a ghoster, always a ghoster”? — Cari*
A: Hi, Cari! I wish I had been there when this book club tea was uncovered. I hope it was a funny conversation and not something she was upset by — it can suck to hear that someone you liked has moved on. Still, it’s not your fault at all that this happened.
I recently joked to my therapist that that every time I start to like a guy, I think about how my feelings might change if I could talk to his exes. Unless you’re dating someone who has never had a single romantic interaction before you, the reality is they have some sort of past. And guess what? They were probably sh*tty to someone at some point.
This is not inherently a reason to panic. I was also sh*tty to someone at one point! People are complicated, and we all have room to grow. So to answer your question — once a ghoster, always a ghoster? — I don’t think that’s necessarily true.
The main issue I see with your situation is that this guy was acting sus pretty recently, which doesn’t give me a whole lot of confidence that he’s turned over a new leaf. But I also think there could be a lot of other factors at play, and it’s not worth ending things without getting some answers first.
Your spidey senses will serve you well in this scenario.
If you feel like you’ve set a good precedent for honesty with him, it could be worth casually bringing this up. Try not to make it accusatory — keep it straightforward, like, Hey, can I tell you about this thing I heard at book club? Leave your story open-ended to give him space to share his POV. If he owns up to his behavior or helps clarify the context, great. If he seems defensive or is being dodgy, you’re learning something valuable about his response to a tough question.
From there, it’s about trusting your gut. If you’re getting anxious or feeling a shady vibe from this dude in general, it’s not worth pushing through — get out now before you get further emotionally entangled. If the other girl’s story confirmed fears you already had about him, that also might be a sign to cut things off. But if the conversation goes well and you want to keep seeing him, I also think that’s OK.
Your spidey senses will serve you well in this scenario. It might be a misunderstanding that turns out to be NBD, or it might be a clue that this guy isn’t quite what he seems. Either way, you’re getting the info you need to see the big picture.
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*Name has been changed.
