Do We Owe Strangers “Hey, Girlie” DMs?

Natalie, a 24-year-old NYC-based account manager, stood there staring at two things she’d just stumbled into: the sudden end of her situationship and a shampoo bottle that was definitely not hers.

There it was, sitting in the bathroom of the guy she’d been seeing for months — the same guy she’d been texting her friends about. (“I think it’s getting serious, but honestly, I’m still confused?”) The one who was charming but promised dates that never materialized. And now the one trying to convince her that a Herbal Essences bottle in his Manhattan apartment was totally his sister’s and not his girlfriend’s.

“He told me his sister sometimes commutes to the city and showers there, but I wasn’t buying it,” Natalie says. So, she and her friends did some Internet sleuthing and uncovered what she already feared was true: He had been hiding a long-term girlfriend. “That’s when I knew I had to send a ‘hey, girlie’ DM,” Natalie says.

The term has come to represent a way for women to reach out to one another when they suspect a partner of infidelity, and it’s become so widespread that mega influencers like Alix Earle are using it. The message often starts with something casual: “Hey, girlie! Are you still dating John? I know this is weird, but...” It signals that the sender is unaware of any relationship overlap and wants to address it privately — a form of girl code.

It might be messy, but I’d want someone to tell me.

“Hey, girlie” DMs spark a moral conundrum: What do we actually owe strangers in the digital age? If you dive in, could it turn messy? Is it better to just mind your own business? These questions (among others) have sparked a flurry of opinions on social media, from self-proclaimed rules on sending them to calls to abolish the entire system.

Natalie spent a whole week contemplating whether to reach out, plagued by the fear that the girl might end up hating her. “I was like, ‘Should I even send this? What if she thinks I’m lying and just blocks me?’” Still, she hoped for the best and did it anyway. “It might be messy, but I’d want someone to tell me,” Natalie says. When she finally mustered up the courage to send the DM, the girlfriend didn’t take it well. “She blocked me.”

Jessica Alderson, CEO and co-founder of dating app So Syncd, suggests Natalie’s outcome isn’t out of the ordinary, while licensed therapist Courtney Morgan says anyone sending these messages shouldn’t be offended if they get an angry response. “The receiver of a ‘hey, girlie’ DM will naturally be shocked, confused, and upset,” Morgan says.

Miah, a 22-year-old grad student from Kansas City, knows the feeling firsthand. She had been seeing a guy for a few months when a DM came through her Instagram notifications. “At first, I was so angry,” she says — though she now admits some of that anger might have been misdirected toward the sender when it should’ve been at her then-partner, who was cheating. “I wanted to fire off and be like, ‘You’re just jealous that he’s mine.’”

Instead, she waited a bit. “I took about a day to sit on it,” Miah says. “Then I asked her for more information, like screenshots and key dates and times.” They didn’t chat long, but she got just enough to confront her boyfriend — and it was so damning, he couldn’t deny it. “He just broke down and came completely clean,” says Miah. They ended things instantly, and she hasn’t looked back. Ultimately, Miah was glad she didn’t send that initial bitter response back to the girl who warned her about her ex.

When done correctly, “hey, girlie” messages can be a form of compassionate and healthy communication, Morgan says. “While it’s never easy being the bearer of bad news, sometimes it’s necessary for the greater good.”

A “hey, girlie” DM can, in some ways, save someone years of their life.

Alderson agrees. “A ‘hey, girlie’ DM can, in some ways, save someone years of their life,” she says. “It prevents them from wasting time and energy on a cheating partner and gives them the chance to make an informed decision about their future.”

The one time to avoid sending these messages to someone you don’t know? Rychel Johnson, LCPC, says if the goal is to hurt her because you’re upset. “The last thing anyone needs is more chaos, so check your intentions and consider how your message could impact both of you.” If the situation is fresh and emotions are running high, wait until things cool down and you can approach the situation with a clearer mind.

Another caveat is if you think there might be more to the story — like an open relationship or a recent breakup you don’t know about. “If you don’t have solid proof of infidelity or think your DM could put someone in danger, it’s usually best to hold off,” Alderson says.

Ultimately, both Miah and Natalie are both in favor of sending that DM. “If no one had told me about my boyfriend cheating, I would’ve wasted years with him,” Miah says.

Though her message didn’t go over well, Natalie believes it saved the other girl from a dishonest partner. Or at least she thinks so, since the girlfriend hasn’t posted him on socials since — something Natalie knows from creeping with a finsta.

Another big takeaway? “It also taught me that no guy is actually using Herbal Essences.”