How Do I Find The Courage To Break Up With My Boyfriend?

Q: How do I find the strength to leave a five-year relationship? We share a dog and all our friends, but he is inconsistent with me, going through cycles of being super loving and then shutting down and stonewalling me for days at a time. He’s also controlling of my personality and our everyday conversations. I’m scared I’ll lose my friends and dog, and I’m nervous to put myself back out there in the dating field — especially after my BF gave me herpes and I’ll have to share this vulnerable new part of my being. But I know I need to leave. How? — Vera*

A: Hi, Vera! You know the phrase “hindsight is 20/20”? The opposite is also true — it’s hard to see clearly when you’re five years deep into a relationship that’s not right. But you’ve already completed the crucial first step: knowing what you need to do. Now you just have to trust yourself.

When I got out of my longest relationship so far, I did it after months (maybe even years) of feeling it my gut that there was something different out there for me. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Our situations aren’t quite the same, but I understand where you’re coming from — that sh*t is scary as hell. When you’ve spent five years building a life with someone, incorporating them into your friend group and vice versa, and even getting a pet together, it’s hard not to feel like your whole foundation will be rocked if you leave.

And it will. Ultimately in a good way.

You’ve spent half a decade putting up with someone who is, in your words, controlling and inconsistent. He shuts you down and stonewalls you. These are not qualities I’d want anyone to put up with from their life partner (except maybe my worst enemy... but probably not even them). I’m sure you have a lot of good things in your life — friends and dog included — but it’s clear to me that your current situation also comes with a lot of pain.

Aren’t you at least a little curious to see what the new you could look like?

In my early days of being single, when all I wanted to do was run back to my ex and magically will everything back to how it was, I remember telling myself “You fought hard for this single version of yourself to exist. She deserves that chance.” Aren’t you at least a little curious to see what the new you could look like? And to find out what else could be waiting for you if you take the leap?

I don’t want to minimize how hard this will be — I’m hopeful you’ll be able to keep the dog, but if it’s his, you’ll have to come to terms with saying goodbye and maybe getting another pet. If your friends are true ride-or-dies, they’ll want the best for you too, and you’ll find a new path forward with them after your relationship ends.

As far as the STI, it will be a new hurdle to deal with in dating, but it’s more common than you might think (1 in 6 people ages 14 to 49 has genital herpes), and you can still have a wonderful, fulfilling dating and sex life after this diagnosis. I have another column on this subject that I’d encourage you to read for advice.

Hear me out on a silly metaphor: Ending this relationship is a little like boarding a plane to an unknown destination. You know you’re headed somewhere, but you have no idea what to expect, and the process of getting there is going to be uncomfortable (we’re flying economy, not first class). But I’d urge you to think about the adventure that could be waiting for you when you land and what you’re currently sacrificing by refusing to get on the plane.

Five years into your next era, you could have a completely different, beautiful, love-filled life, and you’ll wish you could show it to the version of yourself now who is so scared to make a change. Give this future you a chance to exist — I think it’s time for you to meet her.

*Name has been changed.

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