Should I Stop Having Sex With People Who Disagree With Me On Politics?
Since the election, I’ve been more hesitant to meet up with anyone.
Q: I’ve been having a lot of casual sex this year with people from apps. It’s been mostly fun, but since the election, I’ve been more hesitant to meet up with anyone. Some of my past flings have posted concerning things about their political views, and it’s made me realize I don’t really want to hook up with people who don’t share my values, particularly about abortion and LGBTQ+ rights. Should I just stop having sex for a while? —Megan*
A: Hi Megan! You’re experiencing something a lot of people can relate to right now, particularly women who sleep with men. My TikTok For You page is filled with single girls who are swearing off sex or have deleted their dating apps because they’re fed up with having to defend their political views and values. In this divisive climate where bodily autonomy is being threatened, it’s no wonder having sex doesn’t feel as carefree as it used to.
You suggested taking a break from sex, an option I think is totally worth considering. If you’re not feeling excited to meet new people or hook up casually, it may do you some good to take a step back and protect your mental energy. This could also be a great time to invest in your self-pleasure ritual and treat yourself to a new sex toy or a subscription to an ethical porn platform like Quinn or Make Love Not Porn (both female-founded, BTW). You can still be a sexual being without having partnered sex, and you might gain something wonderful by focusing only on your pleasure for a while.
Reproductive rights and queer rights are fundamentally tied to sex, and if you don’t feel safe with a partner in that regard, it will be hard to let go and trust them.
If you do want to keep having casual sex — which is also a fair response in these times, when the pursuit of joy feels life-giving and necessary — I think you’ll be happiest sticking with people you feel aligned with. Reproductive rights and queer rights are fundamentally tied to sex, and if you don’t feel safe with a partner in that regard, it will be hard to let go and trust them.
Luckily, there are plenty of ways to do more vetting of potential partners. Try focusing your efforts on apps like Feeld, which aims to connect open-minded people. Add a cheeky note in your bio about how supporting reproductive rights is a green flag. Bring it up when you’re chatting with matches, like, “I haven’t been on here as much lately because I’ve been hesitant to date after the election. How are you feeling about everything?” Open the floor for them to tell you where they stand.
Also, go out in the world and meet people! I find it so much easier to have conversations about politics and values when you’re chatting with someone IRL. Put yourself in spaces where you’re more likely to meet folks who are politically aligned. Stay curious and willing to listen. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your deeply-held beliefs for someone else, but you may find you have more in common than you initially think upon meeting them.
Above all else, listen to yourself. You are your own best advocate, and your feelings on sex and dating are allowed to change and evolve. Take this as an opportunity to remain kind and caring, but also be selfish when you need it. Amid an exhausting news cycle, it’s the least you can do to preserve some calm.
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*Name has been changed.
