If you want to be with your man forever, then you should probably break up with him now. That's when his true colors come out: After the sunset walks and the early morning pillow talks, when they no longer need to hold back all the harsh thoughts secretly brewing, that's the moment you discover who your partner truly is.
This is also why so many of us never get back together after a split -- once you call it quits, this man can become a completely different person than the one you were dating.
While there may not be a right way to break up, there is definitely a correct way to behave afterwards. Sending late-night paragraphs over text message about how much you miss the other person is selfish if your ex is trying to move on without you. The same goes for begging to meet up only put your ex in the tough position of saying no.
Don't make us hate you more than we already do.
Our ex-boyfriend's outlandish behaviors have really got us questioning, is this the same person who met my grandma and played hoops with my cousins? How could such a sweet guy turn into such a monster?
Or worse, you two part and the next day he's more in-demand than limited edition Toasted Marshmallow Oreos. He's purposely parading around with your lookalike, frequenting the bar again, and all of a sudden uploading to every social media outlet. Way to be the absolute worst instead of being remembered fondly as coming close to best.
Think you've got it bad because you broke up and now you're single and alone? Girlfriend, that's the least of your problems when you've got a psycho ex-boyfriend on the loose and he knows where you live and how you take your coffee (for the cyanide, of course).
Here's the 14 signs you have the worst ex-boyfriend, ever:
1. He drunk texts you.
Where were all those kind words, love and attention two weeks ago when we said you needed to make more time for us? Anything that cannot be said sober shouldn't be said at all… especially at four in the morning.
2. You receive "Happy Birthday" messages… in the form of handwritten letters and flowers.
But really, a simple text message would have sufficed. Using an occasion like our birthday to send gifts in hopes of getting back together? You should have gotten us a much, much bigger bouquet.
3. He writes about you on social media.
That boo-hoo sonnet on his status is a not-so-thinly-veiled attempt to win you back. Doesn't he know you despise poetry almost as much as Facebook?
Equally awful is when he goes on a not-so-private rant about you and your sex life all over the Internet. Coming from a writer, there are some things that are off-limits to readers.
4. He runs into you and asks what went wrong… four years later.
The old sneak attack! Just when you think your ex is finally out of the picture for good, he randomly pops up to drop a bomb on you, mid-morning, as you're inconveniently on your way to an important meeting.
Way to be the ghost of ex-boyfriends' past! Go back into the file we've already spent months closing in our hearts, right next to “college memories” and “thoughts of my first dog.”
5. He communicates with your friends and invites them to hang out.
Just because we didn't get an official divorce doesn't mean we didn't divide the assets. Don't put our friends in the middle of the split by enticing them with co-ed pregames and free drinks at the bar.
The unspoken rules of breaking up dictate that there's an embargo on shared friends until both of you are mature enough to see each other in public again.
6. He takes his new girlfriend to the places you formerly talked about going together.
You're casually scrolling through Instagram only to be paralyzed by pictures of him and his new biddy at the special exhibit you previously suggested. He doesn't even like art!
7. He "likes" things on social media that are completely inappropriate.
It always starts off innocently. First, there's the favoriting of the photo of your family on vacation. Then, there's the cryptic “like” on your new profile picture, which is the Facebook equivalent of “you look good.”
And just as you're starting to think you've won the breakup, he goes on a thumbs-up spree on some California, bikini-clad girl's profile. Time to give up the mind games.
8. He starts fights when he sees you flirting.
Okay, so while this definitely makes him the worst ex-boyfriend, it also is kind of secretly flattering that he still cares. We just can't help being sooo sought after! Stop fighting over us, boys! (Read: Don't.)
9. He involves the moms.
He thinks he's playing to your soft side when he asks to speak to your mom. Or conversely, he's totally overstepping his boundaries when he makes his mom call to do the dirty work for him.
Like kids are off-limits to the “Real Housewives,” moms are off the table when it comes to splitting up. If we can't stand you, what makes you think we'll be able to stand your family?
10. He becomes really hot, successful and popular.
Why is your former boyfriend literally spreading sexiness everywhere now that you two broke up? One of the worst exes to have is the one who becomes likeable and buff and cool post your time in bed together. How do you rationalize dumping him now?
11. He torments your new man and makes a scene in public.
The fastest way to ruin a relationship is adding on an already ruined one. Just tell your new beau that your ex has mild disabilities and still has trouble understanding that you two are over.
12. He says “thinking of you” on Valentine's Day.
Add this to the list of reasons why you broke up.
13. He begs to meet up after you asked for space.
Really? This is one of the oldest tricks in the book. He couldn't come up with something better, like asking to meet for free concert tickets or puppies?
14. He becomes a DJ.
Erase all photos, messages, statuses and evidence of you together. Bad PR.
