A Bottle Of Wine And Netflix Are The Only Boyfriend You Need This Cuffing Season
It is the beginning of October, which only means one thing: cuffing season. Crazy summer weekends have finally come to a close, making tanned kids everywhere retreat to their respective cities.
Before we go any further, let's take a look at what exactly "cuffing season" is, courtesy of Urban Dictionary:
Okay UD, thanks for that clarification; unfortunately, many women would only like to be cuffed to two things: wine and Netflix. Is it pathetic? Maybe, but neither of those things are going to give us a headache or judge us.
In fact, we can be completely selfish, and it's more than acceptable! So, specifically, why are Netflix and wine the perfect duo to spend our season with? Well:
1. They won't judge you for not showering for over three days
All my fellow lazy women out there can relate to this one. It just takes way too much energy to shower and isn't it a waste of shampoo/conditioner/body wash/body scrub? Man, I'm tired just thinking about it.
You never have to worry about looking (and smelling) your freshest when you have no one else to impress other than Elliot Stabler and your favorite boyfriend Mr. Merlot.
2. You don't need to waste an ounce of makeup on either
Not only do you not have to waste your makeup, you also are allowing your skin to breathe, and after a week's worth of make-up application, that's something we desperately need.
Wine and Netflix accept you and your natural beauty as is.
3. You can wear your fat sweatpants without fear of judgment
Ladies, we all have that one pair of sweatpants we save for a night in — you know those super-stretchy, super-comfy pants that are three sizes too big, so when we stuff our faces, we still feel skinny.
They're definitely man-repelling and absolutely unacceptable to wear in public or God forbid in front of a guy you want to hook up with. But Netflix approves, and isn't that all that matters?
4. You can order Seamless three times in one night and not get looks of shame
So what if I ordered Seamless three times in one night? So, I like a little variety in my life... Sue me. There's nothing wrong with ordering three different types of cuisines, I just have different moods.
While most people would gasp in horror at my laziness and the amount of food I'm consuming (*cough* my doorman), Netflix and my bottle of wine not only don't judge me, they encourage it. And that, my friends, is the definition of true love.
5. You can use your chest as a table and tray without being considered "special"
For all my large-chested readers out there -- you know this all too well. What better table is there than the one right below your face? You don't even need to move in order to reach anything; I call this easy access.
Guys may not appreciate this new philosophy, but Netflix sure does.
6. You won't have to worry about drunk texting Netflix after ingesting the entire bottle of wine
After a bottle of wine, drunk texting naturally occurs.
However, if Netflix is the only thing on your mind, you never have to worry about sending embarrassing booty call texts and having to erase them in the morning before even reading them.
7. Netflix already knows you love it
There's no need to have "that conversation" with Netflix or wine because they both already know where you stand and how you feel about them! And guess what? They feel the same way.
8. You can enjoy watching Stabler's shirtless body without any jealous comments from a boyfriend
No one wants to sit next to a boyfriend while watching the hottest man on television take his shirt off... unless it's porn, of course.
I don't understand why guys give us those weird looks when our eyes are glued to Stabler's shirtless body and drool is coming out of our mouths. We don't judge you when you do the same to Kate Upton, do we?
9. It encourages your indulgent behaviors
Netflix basically encourages you to binge watch television shows and movies. So what else could you possibly desire in the way of company? Endless bottles of wine, of course!
10. You can pause Netflix and take naps in between it speaking...
If only you could do that in the middle of conversations with men...
Talking can be exhausting, and listening to someone talk is even more tiring. If only it were socially acceptable to take naps in between someone else's rant.
Netflix not only allows it, but promotes it by giving you 14-second breaks. Thank you Netflix for being the most understanding person I've ever encountered.
11. Netflix always know what you want and like, without you having to tell it
If only all men were programmed like that.
12. Netflix lasts for over 30 minutes, every. single. time.
You never have to be disappointed when it comes to Netflix... something we can't say about all men...
13. You can cuddle up under your softest blanket and not have to share it
There's no better way to watch your favorite TV shows while drinking wine than by cuddling up under your softest blanket. And this whole "sharing is caring" nonsense needs to stop. I don't share, so get your own blanket.
14. You can scream at Netflix and it won't retaliate by telling you that you're being dramatic
Netflix wants you to let all of your emotions out! It doesn't care if they are overly dramatic or irrational, it wants you to embrace your feelings and let them out in whatever way you see fit.
15. You can spill crumbs all over yourself and not have to clean them up right away
You can see the characters on the screen, but, luckily, they can't see the messy pile of food surrounding you, as you continue to down more wine.
16. You can finish the entire bottle by yourself and not worry about being called an alcoholic
It's like the bottle is asking you to finish it, unlike a boyfriend who encourages you to "pace yourself" — whatever the f*ck that means. Just make sure you hide your cell phone because God knows what's going to come out of your mouth.
17. You can drunk eat as much garlic bread as you want and not worry about your breath smelling
It's not your fault all of the best tasting foods result in the worst after-breath.
Everyone knows that any food containing garlic must be avoided if you have any plans of getting it in, but you don't have to worry about holding back when you are only surrounded by your favorite television characters.
And, after all, the doctor told you to eat more vegetables, right?
18. In fact, you can drunk eat as much as you want and not worry about Netflix trying anything during your food coma
Netflix respects your personal space. I mean, is there anything worse than indulging in all of your favorite snacks, which ultimately results in a food coma, only to have a guy try and feel you up?
My stomach looks and feels like a pregnant woman... does it look like I want you to touch me? You will get denied every single time. So leave me alone and finish your food... or else I will.
Photo Courtesy: Tumblr
