Which Disney Princess F*cked Your Sh*t Up The Most?
If you had a mainstream childhood, you grew up with the magic of Disney. Every little girl had a Disney princess she idolized and related to most.
Whether it was the "exotic" Jasmine, fearless Mulan or dainty Snow White, we all had our main Disney bitch.
But there is a darker side to the Disney wonder that we often fail to recognize: DISNEY PRINCESSES F*CKED OUR SH*T UP, GIRLS.
Disney gave us unrealistic ideas about love, life, men and our (nonexistent) chances of becoming royals. Don't even get me started on those ridiculously small waistlines and that outrageous abundance of natural hair.
Disney may have filled our childhoods with wonder and excitement, but it messed us up for life. Adulthood is never going to be a Disney movie. That is literally so f*cking depressing that it gives me hives.
Which Disney princess f*cked you up the most?
Snow White
What it's about:
Snow White has an evil stepmother who wants to kill her, so she runs away and lives with a group of seven dwarfs.
They agree to let her stay as long as she becomes their indentured servant. Still unclear if there was anything sexual going on here.
The witch comes in disguise and gives Snow White a poisoned apple. She falls into a dead sleep. The handsome prince comes and kisses her; she wakes up, and they live happily ever after.
How it f*cked your sh*t up:
Snow White f*cked up my expectations the most. She taught me that I could run away from home and shack up with a bunch of different dudes while I kept singing 'Someday My Prince Will Come.' That chick made me believe that the right guy wouldn't care if I slept with a bunch of other ones. Ultimately, I thought I'd be sleeping one day when the right guy would creep up on me, get sexual with me, and we'd live happily ever after.
– Ashley, 24.
Mulan
What it's about:
Mulan f*cks up her parents' attempts to set her up with a dude, so she runs away to the army so her dad (who is old AF) won't have to go.
But women are obviously weak and useless, so our girl pretends to be a boy to gain acceptance. When her sexy love interest finds out, he's pissed and banishes her.
In the end, Mulan saves f*cking everyone from the Huns, and the emperor (also old AF) gives her a medal. She saves the f*cking day, and all she gets is a stupid medal. Whatever, though.
How it f*cked your sh*t up:
Mulan f*cked my sh*t up because she made me think that the only way I could get ahead in life (and do what I wanted to do) was by dressing and acting like a boy. As a strong and opinionated woman, she wasn't sh*t. As a dude, she kicked ass. It also f*cked me up how dope she was with her eyeliner. Now I dress like a boy, but my cat-eyes are on lock.
– Alex, 27.
Sleeping Beauty
What it's about:
Sleeping Beauty is literally in, like, eight minutes of the entire movie. She sings to some owl dressed like a person and then pricks her finger and passes out for what seems like a million years.
She's actually a really boring princess, and the evil fairy queen, Maleficent, has way edgier and chicer clothes. Anyway, in the end the prince saves her by kissing her, and then they get married.
How it f*cked your sh*t up:
That bitch taught me that I could sleep all day and that that was acceptable. It isn't. Also, it made me think that if you sleep a lot, you won't even age.
– Gillian, 22.
Pocahontas
What it's about:
Pocahontas has awesome jewelry and a cool, talking tree grandma. She's also the princess of the American Indians.
Then the English come to steal all their gold, which is just corn, so IDK who the f*ck told them there was gold.
Anyway, P ditches her studly Indian hottie, Kocoum, in favor of lame John Smith. When her dad tries to kill him, she's like "f*ck that" and throws herself over his body. In the end, John Smith goes back to England, and Pocahontas dies of smallpox. (But Disney left the smallpox out of the story).
How it f*cked your sh*t up:
Pocahontas taught me that I should run away any time my parents expressed their disapproval or told me 'no.' She also made me believe that I could gain wise, sage advice from a willow tree. I never made it past the bottom of the stairs when I tried to run away, and no tree ever gave me good advice.
– Kendall, 26.
Pocahontas f*cked me up because she made me think animals and trees were wiser than people. Wait, that's pretty true..
– Olivia, 23.
The Hunchback Of Notre Dame
What it's about:
Quasimodo is a hunchback who lives in the bell tower of Notre Dame. The evil Frollo takes care of Quasimodo. But Quasimodo falls in love with Esmerelda, the hot gypsy princess.
Frollo is also kind of feeling Esmerelda, but she thinks Frollo's creepy AF. In true scorned-male fashion, Frollo tries to capture and kill her. Cool, Frollo. Cool.
Quasimodo saves Esmeralda with the help of the dude named Phoebus. But in the end, Quasimodo ends up alone, and Phoebus gets Esmeralda. This ending is the most lifelike of all Disney movies. The hot guy wins; the ugly guy gets friend-zoned.
How it f*cks your sh*t up:
Esmeralda manages to pull of a bohemian, gypsy style and still look chic. I've been trying to do this for years, but I end up looking like a festival trollop instead. Also, the F*CKING HAIR. The cascade of long, black hair that is wavy without horrendous frizz is so unfair. I've been spending $1500 every three months on hair extensions imported from India in an attempt to emulate that hair.
– Zara, 29.
Beauty And The Beast
What it's about:
Belle convinces the Beast to lock her up in her father's place, since he wandered into the castle one night. (Enter a creepy, dark building in a secluded part of the forest during a thunderstorm? Good move!) The castle is full of anthropomorphized objects, like the candlestick and the clock.
The Beast gets all over Belle's nuts and tries to make her fall in love with him. He gives her a library and a nice dress.
Then Gaston, Belle's annoying suitor, tries to kill the Beast. But Belle gets all Stockholm Syndrome on him and saves the Beast.
In the end, it turns out the Beast is a prince under a spell. He becomes a hot guy, and he and Belle get married. The moral of the story? If you kidnap a girl, she'll fall in love with you.
How it f*cked your sh*t up:
Beauty and the Beast absolutely confused the sh*t out of me. First I'm petrified of this BEAST who kidnaps her, and then suddenly I'm supposed to like him...? I don't care that he got hot; he's still creepy AF.
– Candice, 23.
Belle f*cked my sh*t up because there is no way that that bitch ate that many baguettes and looked that good.
– Sandy, 28.
Aladdin
What it's about:
Aladdin is a hoodlum who finds a lamp with a genie in it. He's granted three wishes. He decides to become a prince so he can win over Princess Jasmine, and he takes her for a ride on a magic carpet.
But Jafar, the evil guy in all of this (I actually don't remember what his deal is) tries to f*ck everything up. In the end, Aladdin somehow becomes a real prince and marries Jasmine, and the genie is set free.
How it f*cked your sh*t up:
Princess Jasmine made me think you could naturally have that much hair. It was only later that I learned about extensions.
– Emily, 25.
Jasmine taught me to believe that sweet but financially unstable bad boys (see: criminals) were the ones to fall in love with. SMH. Took more than a few heartbreaks to learn my lesson.
– Niki, 27.
How the hell can I ever wear a crop top again after looking at her? WAIST FOR DAYS. Also: Men don't become princes just to be with you. They don't even change, and they certainly don't care that you need to be an independent woman.
– Kaitlyn, 26.
The Little Mermaid
What it's about:
Ariel gives up everything about herself and her life to the sea witch, Ursula, in pursuit of Prince Eric. After she turns mute and grows legs, he still isn't feeling her vibes.
Ursula steals her voice and makes Eric fall in love with her so that she can enslave Ariel forever. In the end, Ariel saves Eric, and the story ends happily.
(Even though Ariel's wedding dress is hideous.)
How it f*cked your sh*t up:
Ariel f*cked my sh*t up by showing us that if we give our all to a man, he will eventually reciprocate love and put your a*s in a castle. I'm still waiting for my royal bubble bath and true lovin' bitch.
– Jessica, 24.
I mean it's all about the D, right? D for Disney! Wait…
Arielle taught me that I should do anything for a guy, like give up my voice, my home and grow some f*cking legs. F*ck what I wanted. It was all about the D.
– Lillie, 27.
Cinderella
What it's about:
Cinderella's evil stepmother and stepsisters force her to serve them. The prince has a ball, but the stepmother ruins Cinderella's dress, so she can't go.
Then Cinderella's fairy godmother appears and sends her to the ball in a magical pumpkin-turned-carriage and glass slippers.
She has to leave at midnight because her dress turns back into rags and her carriage becomes a pumpkin again. But she leaves a slipper behind.
The prince sends his little minions all around the kingdom to find the slipper's owner. After a lot of BS, he finds Cinderella and makes her a princess.
How it f*cked your sh*t up:
Cinderella f*cked my sh*t up because it made me think that being pretty was what life was all about. I assumed that some handsome, perfect guy was going to come sweep me off my feet. Turns out, that's not how life works. Instead of romance, I get dick pics. Instead of Prince Charming, I get losers from Tinder with receding hairlines. Instead of a palace, I'm living in a sh*thole apartment.
– Gigi, 24.
