Y'all know I love Drake. If my job was to write about Drake all day, every day, I would be living the dream.
Seeing as I have to write about sh*t that isn't Drake so my editors don't kill me (and Drake doesn't issue a restraining order), I leap at the rare opportunity to talk up Champagne Papi.
Namely, the moments when he soothes my sad, broken shadow of a soul. Let's face it: Drizzy is the king of breakup songs. He just understands how to get you back in the zone.
When your ex texts you, ranting about his problems.
Dude, don't go telling me about how your roommate sucks or how your sink is broken or how your dog took a dump on your bed.
Actually, tell me more about your dog, because Fido is the only part of you I'll be missing.
When you see your ex at the club.
Nothing like popping fancy-ass bottles to show your ex-boo you are over his sh*t.
When you rewatch a movie your ex loved and melt into a puddle of feelings.
Somehow, crying like a baby over something stupid will make everything better. If not, there's always Nutella.
When you realize how much money you're saving by avoiding V-Day presents.
At the end of the day, it's all about you and your millions. OK, the $50 you have left over after paying rent.
When your ex Snaps some chick you've never seen before.
No wonder that hotline doesn't bling any more. Jerk.
When your ex talks sh*t behind your back.
F*ck the haters. The only one who knows the truth is Drake, and he's here for you.
When you realize your ex still has your Netflix password.
Seriously, stop putting every episode of "Chopped" in my queue. That's f*cked up.
When your ex shows up at your apartment asking to "talk."
F*ck Uber, I'm calling the cops.
When your ex tries to tell you you're gonna die alone and miserable.
Also how can you die alone and miserable if there's a Drake in the universe?
When your ex tries to tell you he's "changed for the better."
Heads up, dude, so have I. And the changed version of me is telling you to f*ck off.
When you realize you'd rather stay celibate for life than take your ex back.
On to the next one.
