How To Get Smooth AF Body Skin Without Spending A Lot Of Money

I have devoted my life to the pursuit of soft skin. Life, love and soft skin: It's all anyone could ever want.

OK, I'm being hella dramatic, but you get it. Soft skin is dope.

I have pretty basic, non-problem skin. It's normal to dry, and I prefer to keep it on the saturated side. My beauty regimen is no joke, dude. I do not f*ck around when it comes to my skin.

I recently did an article on how I get my face to feel like a baby's ass. And now I'm going to give you all the unusual ~tricks~ I have up my sleeve to get velvety smooth skin on your body too, yo.

It kind of seems like a lot of work, but it's actually not. It's not expensive, either. Which is arguably the best part. I use all mid-range, affordable products on this sensually soft body of mine. YA GOTTA!

You only get one skin, so you have to make sure you take care of it. Unless you're the guy from "Silence Of The Lambs." But I'm assuming you're not, so here is my tried-and-true method -- 25 years in the making -- for the getting the softest, most beautiful, AMAZINGLY smooth skin of your entire f*cking life.

Phase one: the shower

Palmer's Skin Therapy Oil, $11, Amazon; Palmer's Solid Formula, $17, Amazon; Palmer's Daily Skin Therapy, $9, Amazon; St. Ives Apricot Scrub (3-pack), $12, Amazon; The Comforter, $10, Lush Cosmetics; Celebrate Hand and Body Lotion, $33, Lush Cosmetics 

Once a week, I hit my St. Ives exfoliator to give my skin the old scrub-down from the waist up. I've said it once and I'll say it a thousand times: I don't give a flying f*ck if dermatologists and sh*t say that St. Ives is too rough on your skin. It doesn't work for everyone; I get that. Always do a patch test on a small section of your arm to make sure your skin doesn't get irritated. If it does, try something milder.

A guy at a party one time touched my arm and screamed in my face, “YOU HAVE SKIN AS SOFT AS A BABY.” I thank St. Ives for this kind-of-awkward, kind-of-flattering situation.

Rub in small circles. Don't be too rough on your skin. You need to exfoliate, because exfoliating removes the gross top layer of dead skin that builds up over time. You have to let the new, fresh skin come through. Just slough off the dead cells and move on -- just like you did from your college f*ck buddy.

I don't exfoliate my legs, because shaving your legs is all the exfoliate you need, in my opinion. Choose a mild, moisturizing shave cream like Aveeno. And don't use sh*tty, disposable razors. Just steal your boyfriend's nice one.

Aveeno Positively Smooth Shave Gel, $9, Amazon 

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I'm a Lush-y through and through. Lush makes incredible handmade products that make your skin feel f*cking loved and cherished, like a powerful woman in a soap opera your mom likes.

I'm obsessed with The Comforter ($10), a body wash. It is BRIGHT pink, sparkly and smells like bubblegum. It's full of silky, essential oils and feels like you're covering your skin with a cuddle. I lather up with my hands because loofahs aren't sanitary (LOL), and by that I mean that I keep forgetting to buy one and use this as an excuse.

Anyway, this sh*t is THE BEST. Buy it. Love it. Feel pretty, you hot bitch.

Phase two: post-shower

I am a walking ad for Palmer's Cocoa Butter, and I really don't care who knows it. Palmer's never gets enough credit.

I COVER myself in this stuff, but I do it in my own unique way, because I'm a psycho and can't make anything easy for myself. I take the cocoa butter lotion, pump two-three squirts of Palmer's Skin Therapy Oil into my palm, mix it all up and slather it all over my body. More is more, I always say. When in doubt, put on more. You should smell like a double-chocolate-chip frappuccino when you're finished.

But that's not all. I also use the super condensed cocoa butter and put it on my elbows, knees and any other dry spots. This sh*t also removes scars. I get this autoimmune reaction on the back of my arms where hair follicles get trapped, and it causes scarring. Cocoa butter is the only thing that fades the scars for me. I'm not f*cking with you. Forget fancy laser treatments for any scarring or stretch marks, just cover yourself in cocoa butter.

And Lush makes an appearance -- again. My best friend gave me a tub of Celebrate hand cream for Christmas. Best friends give each other Lush products for Christmas. This is just a fact.

She HOOKED me on this shiz. It's full of almond oil, cocoa butter and orange oils. It's like a spa treatment. It smells like you went into a citrus fruit grove and rolled around in a vat of oranges.

So let's recap. I like only Lush and Palmer's Cocoa Butter. I'm cool with it. You should be cool with it. We should all be cool with it.

This, my dear chickens, is how Auntie Gigi gets skin that feels like goddamn butter. I hope you find this routine as helpful as I have.

Go forth, slather on the moisturizer and love yourself. *wink, hug, smiley* xoxo