8 Things That Definitely Happened At Mary-Kate Olsen's Camera-Less Wedding

Unless you've been living under the most culturally unaware rock of all time, you've probably heard Olivier Sarkozy, 46, and Mary-Kate Olsen, 29, reportedly just got married.

That's right, the half-brother of the former president of France and half of Michelle Tanner are now hitched.

The duo had a 50-person private party in New York City held in what we're sure is the chicest residence this side of the East River.

Guests had to turn off cell phones upon arriving and, as a result, we have no photos of the bougiest wedding of all time.

Seeing as my invitation got lost in the mail and there are no snaps of the couple or the party (yet), here's what we're expecting to find when they start pouring in.

Ashley Olsen talking about how she's still the cooler sister.

“Who cares if she was Roxy in 'New York Minute'? I got more airtime as Michelle."

All the non-smokers sticking their heads out the window in a vain attempt to avoid choking.

According to Page Six, bowls of cigarettes were passed around to guests during the reception. Whatever happened to cocktails alongside pigs in a blanket?

Basically, if you don't smoke, don't bother showing up. Or, at least be cool with getting ultra-chic lung cancer.

Someone mistaking Ashley for a drape.

Or your Russian grandmother. Or a pile of rags. Or a tablecloth.

Virtually everyone carrying the twins' $34,000 crocodile skin backpack.

Oh, you only have the leather one?

Yeah, go hang with Elizabeth Olsen and whichever schlub she's dating.

Guests throwing "Full House" syndication money instead of rice.

Isn't that what all billionaires do?

John Stamos still being able to f*ck virtually any woman in the room.

Guilty.

Someone confusing Mary-Kate for one of Olivier's kids.

“You look like you could be sisters! Oh, wait.”

Megan Fox giving serious side-eye.

Citations: Mary-Kate Olsen had 'bowls of cigarettes' for guests at wedding (Page Six)