My Mother And I Are Close: 5 Things Your Mom Teaches You That Cosmo Never Could

My friends' mothers always seemed a bit uptight in comparison to my mom. Actually, they seemed more like nuns compared to my mom’s no-holds-barred personality.

Growing up, I never needed to sneak open an issue of Cosmo magazine; I had my mother.

Really, this chick could talk to anyone about anything and she often did. Grocery stores were the worst; she’d talk to the meat counter guy and then stop by to see her friend over at the seafood counter.

Then, we’d run into five or six of her friends she knew from various stores, business ventures or somewhere else. The customer service people knew her by name, as she was a big buyer of lottery tickets.

My girlfriends would come to her for advice instead of their own moms; she had a way of talking that was so natural. She could hold her own in a conversation with my math teacher about quantum physics and turn around and discuss the importance of Chinese tomb relics from the Han dynasty.

She also had no qualms talking about sex, drugs or any other taboo subject in public.

People often ask if she’s drunk. She doesn’t drink, she’s just naturally that happy and loose, which is a hard concept for some to grasp. This annoyed and embarrassed me to no end when I was in grade school. I felt like I couldn’t take her anywhere without the possibility of her measuring penis sizes with cutlery.

Now that I’ve grown out of my rebellious teen years (sort of), I realize how valuable my mom’s kooky advice has been and the impact it’s had on me.

You may call her crazy (an understatement), or you may think she’s the most ingenious thing since sliced bread. Regardless, my mother’s wisdom and often-prophetic statements deserve to be documented.

Out of my fear of her starting her own blog and doing it herself, I’ve compiled a list of highlights.

"The one thing I wish I did differently, is have more sex with more people."

I’m comfortable with my number, although I’m definitely more of a Carrie than a Samantha when it comes to the people I’ve slept with. Sex is fun and no one should be ashamed of enjoying it, especially women.

When my mom first said this, I was a little shocked. She met my dad when she was 23, so it’s not like she didn’t have time to explore the manscape. But my mom wasn’t being entirely literal. It took me a while to figure out the hidden meaning behind her regret.

Relationships should be fully experienced, and intimacy should be explored. When you’re young, everything is new, and limiting yourself to those experiences means you may be missing out on something good.

"Never pass up a good pair of shoes."

...Or a bag, a dress or bra.

When my mom helped me move into my dorm room, she was upset I took her advice literally, applying her wise words to everything. But when your mom commands you to purchase those perfect strappy Sam Edelman’s, what’s a girl to do?

Opportunity was knocking and it just so happened to be wearing a gorgeous pair of pumps.

The real lesson here is to think about leaving without the sunglasses that make you look like Grace Kelly, not buying that red velvet cupcake you’ve been craving since your morning workout or even writing your number on a napkin for the handsome chap at the bar.

If you’ll be really upset leaving without doing it, then you probably should (provided you have the budget and the guts for it). You don’t get those chances back. Taking something so good for granted and assuming it’ll be right there when you’re ready for it is always foolish.

I couldn't even decide if I actually wanted to write this article.

Now, my mom is more of an expert on the subject than the average Joe. She spent her junior year in college in Israel studying counter-terrorism. So besides being a total badass at life, she also knows a thing or two about hostage negotiation. NBD; it’s casual.

Yes, my mother does sit on the aisle with hyper-alert senses, imagining how she could make a weapon out of her seat belt, and yes, it embarrasses me. But what I didn’t realize when I was younger was how many people DON’T think like my mom, and that’s kind of scary.

I’ve been in the car with her multiple times when she’s pulled over to make sure the drivers in a car accident weren’t hurt. No one else had stopped. There was an anti-semetic shooting in my community in April and my mother was there before the camera crews, ready to kick the living sh*t out of the killer.

We have to assume that no one else is going to step up to the plate when the time comes to taking the bad guy down. Beyond that, we have to realize that one person really can make a difference.

"You have to be able to mount the guy."

This phrase gets passed around my mom’s group of single girlfriends like wildfire. My mom is the sex and love guru for all her friends, and has a reputation for giving the best advice. “Can you mount him?” has become her clique’s mantra.

The guy may have every quality you’ve been looking for, but if you can’t see yourself on top of him at the end of the night, he’s not the one. We’ve all dated the guy who is a 10 in every department except sex. If you’re in one of those relationships right now, we get it (we’ve been there, too).

Great sex isn’t everything, but hell, if you’re going to compromise on one of your non-negotiables, pick something less fun.

"Just say yes; figure it out later."

I was going into an interview when I called my mom for a pep talk. As an old-fashioned print journalist, I had shunned everything that had to do with broadcast and video production. I thought I was cool by sticking to what I felt was the truer form of journalism.

When I got to college, I realized my mistake. You want me to make a video package with B-roll and nat sound in two hours? Sure, let me just hop in my nifty time machine and take a broadcast class. I was panicked to say the least.

“Just say yes and figure out how to do it later,” my mom said after I voiced my fears through the phone. Then, it hit me: I couldn’t be the only one terrified by the prospect of doing something I had no idea how to do. I did some research, watched some tutorials and eventually pulled that video package together. I got a B -- a VERY generous grade.

Since then, I’ve applied for a few internships using my mom’s advice. I’ve never lied during an interview, but when asked if I could do some basic HTML coding for a blog, I said yes, even though I had a very mild understanding of what that meant. I got the job.

There will always be things I don’t know how to do, but it shouldn’t inhibit me from doing them. Fake it 'til you make it, baby.

Photo via We Heart It