When it comes to sex, we ladies are complicated.
Our sexual desires range everywhere from the romantic to the carnal, the sweet to the risqué. Sometimes, we're in the mood to make love. Sometimes, we're in the mood to have sex. Sometimes, to put it bluntly, we're in the mood to f*ck.
And if you know anything about sex, you know these are three completely, completely different things.
Then again, you might not know that. Sex is both a bigger deal and a lesser deal than society says it is. We talk about sex, sure, but we don't really talk about the variety of ways people experience it. Because when it comes to sex, complexity -- both physically and emotionally -- freaks us out.
Why else would we chuckle at Cosmo's "ridiculous" sex positions and bedroom suggestions? Or the kinky, BDSM-esque Red Room sex in "50 Shades of Grey"? Or the variety of sex toys in our local Spencer's at the mall? On a physical level, these things complicate sex. They turn sex into something weird and potentially unmanageable.
Why else do we engage in the hook-up culture, which works to ensure we don't "complicate" sex with feelings, commitments and the like? Why else does it feel like people can't grow up and start seeing the value in real, emotional relationships -- which, along with more consistent sex, might come with "complications" of their own?
Clearly, we fear complications when it comes to sex. Even more proof of this fear lies at a basic, anatomic level of sex: We fear the vagina.
It's no secret men orgasm more often than women, but it's not because women can't physically orgasm; it's because penises are way, way easier to deal with than vaginas. People don't care to learn about the potentially "complicated" methods it takes to make women orgasm.
It's both a blessing and a curse that women don't get boners. It's a blessing because, well, an unplanned boner is just embarrassing (sorry, dudes). But it's also a curse, because unless there's visible, physical proof of something happening, society tends to brush things under the rug.
In this case, because women can't give that physically obvious indication of horniness -- and, on a deeper level, have been taught to suppress their sexual desires in the name of purity and feminine passiveness -- society brushes their sexual desires under the rug.
But, listen, women get horny! We do! There, I said it. And, to make things even more "complicated," we don't just get one kind of horny; oh, no. We get multiple kinds of horny! Like, sometimes we actually do want to follow Cosmo's weird sex tips.
And sometimes we want to dominate you. And sometimes we're just in the mood to have a good, 10th grade back-of-your-mom's-Volvo-style make out.
So, allow me to complicate sex even further for you. Let's discuss the kinds of horny a woman will experience throughout her lifetime.
1. I'm-Drunk Horny
Her inhibitions are gone, everyone at the bar is hot, and she's on the prowl for literally anyone. She's probably not wearing any underwear, and she feels really great about it.
2. I-Just-Wanna-Make-Out Horny
She just watched "Friday Night Lights" or another one of those shows that romanticize high school and pep rallies and football games, which makes her think of long-winded makeouts behind bleachers, in the backseat of her Volkswagen, or on her childhood bed. She wouldn't mind one of those makeouts right now.
3. I-Need-To-Get-Absolutely-Railed Horny
Her vagina is feeling very, very hollow right now. She has a deep-seeded need for something large inside of it. Preferably a penis.
4. I-Wanna-Be-Objectified Horny
She wants you to tell her how hot she is, repeatedly. Or that she has great tits. Or that her ass is a spaceship you want to ride on.
She wants you to value her for her body. Like, really dehumanize her. (It's OK. She's giving you permission.) Do not call her beautiful. Not here.
5. I-Wanna-Make-Love Horny
She wants a slow, sensual sexual experience. She wants a lot of sweet compliments and whispers and detailed attention. You may call her beautiful here. In fact, it is encouraged.
6. I-Wanna-Dominate Horny
She's on a power trip. Perhaps she's been working out, so she's particularly proud of the vision of what her body would look like on top of you. Take advantage of this.
7. I-Wanna-Give-A-Blow-Job Horny
She's on the ultimate power trip, even more than she is for #6. She'd like to show off her expert fellatio skills, and she's eager for you to compliment them. This may or may not be an ego thing.
8. I-Need-To-Orgasm-Real-Quick Horny
She's bored, can't sleep, or stressed. A sudden urge to just make herself orgasm so she could relax washes over her, and she gets to work.
This is more of a mechanical need than an emotional need, so she hardly needs to fantasize to make this happen. She's in and out in five minutes. Done.
9. I-Want-To-Make-Sweet-Love-To-Myself Horny
All of her roommates are gone and she just bought a new Lush bubble bath bomb. That means she's about to pour a glass of Chardonnay, run a bath and have a field day with herself.
10. I'm-In-The-Mood-To-Watch-Porn Horny
After a few attempts without one, she finds herself needing a visual stimulant for #8 or #9.
11. I'd-Like-To-Put-Myself-In-This-Sex-Scene Horny
She's watching "Friends With Benefits," "Don Jon," "Blue Valentine," "The Notebook," or another one of her favorite faux-romance films.
The actor in this sex scene is hot, so she has a serious desire to play the leading lady right now. It doesn't even matter whether or not the kind of sex happening is her style. She'd literally do anything with Ryan Gosling.
12. Lusting-For-[Insert-Ex's-Name-Here] Horny
She accidentally stumbled upon some old raunchy text messages or a photo of him where he looks particularly attractive. Cue nostalgia about how great the sex was.
13. Lusting-For-[Insert-Some-Other-Person's-Name-Here] Horny
She just brushed past the guy she has a crush on. Her vagina suddenly pulses. Perhaps she will see him this weekend. She conspires with her friends to make sure she does. The conspiring is only slightly creepy.
14. I-Wanna-Cuddle Horny
She's really, really in the mood to cuddle. No sex. Just cuddles.
15. I'm-About-To-Reread-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-And-You-Can't-Stop-Me Horny
Self-explanatory.
16. Sideline Horny
In an ideal world, she would like to have sex, but she isn't really putting herself out there that much.
She might say she's in a slump, but deep down, she knows she can't call it a slump if she isn't stepping up to the plate.
17. It's-Been-A-Long-F*cking-Time Horny
She just needs to have confidence her vagina still works.
18. I-Had-Sex-Yesterday-And-My-Appetite-Has-Immediately-Returned Horny
She's received confirmation her vagina works. She'd been out of the loop for so long she's now experiencing a horniness she forgot existed.
19. I-Need-To-Get-This-Out-Of-My-System Horny
Maybe you don't really have enough time right now to be horny, so you jump in a cold shower. Horniness over.
