People Always Ask You If You're Cold: 31 Signs You Dress Like A 'Slut'

OK girls, calm down. I put "slut" in quotation marks. I'm not calling your wardrobe "slutty" in a sexist, misogynistic or horrendous mean-girl way. It's actually a compliment, babes.

I've kindly reclaimed the word "slut" on this bright and cheery Monday. When I say you dress like a slut, what I'm really saying is you dress fabulously sexy and supremely fierce. Some assholes might say you dress like a slut in a bitchy, condescending way, but that's not me, my fellow sex kittens. I'm on your side.

When I say you dress like a slut, I'm saying you're dressing like a wildly empowered woman who isn't ashamed of her body. I'm saying you're a ferocious modern babe who is actively taking ownership over her sexuality. I'm saying keep rocking that crop top and don't let anyone take your absolutely American freedom of attire away from you.

When I say you dress like a slut, I'm saying you're in good company, honey. Because yours truly has been dressing gloriously slutty since day one and I'm not even remotely embarrassed about it.

And I don't do it for men. I'm a goddamn lesbian. I dress slutty for girl creatures and for myself (and for gay men. Gay men always empower me and my get-ups). I like to call it "slut chic" because you can be totally chic whilst maintaining your scandalous edge, as long as you rock it all with confidence.

To tone my style down would be to deny who I am. I came out of the womb with a fervent love of crop tops, sheer dresses, mega platforms, fishnets, lace and fetishy baby doll dresses.

I'm a classy lady, too. Sexy attire isn't trashy attire. The only time you look like you're wearing "trashy attire" is when you dumb your style down to conform to the masses or try to emulate a woman you're not. You will always look like the classy woman you are when you're being entirely true to your real self. Because real class is all about being wonderfully comfortable in your own skin.

The other day I was hanging out with my girlfriend, and I was bitching to her about my lack of summer clothes.

"I reallllly need a summer wardrobe," I said, sipping my $6 almond milk latte, secretly wishing it was champagne.

"Um, the only difference between your summer clothes and your winter clothes is TIGHTS, babe," she coyly replied.

Just as I was about to get defensive, I took a deep breath, stared out into the distance and thought to myself, "You know what, Zara? Bitch is right."

In the winter, I still wear crop tops and totally sheer fabrics; I just toss my beloved stockings into the mix. Even when in the throes of a blizzard, my dresses remain cut-out. I just warm up in sexy over-the-knee boots, throw a puff coat over the top and call it a goddamn day.

So lately, I've been thinking about personal style. And there are certain things only us girls who rock the scandalous attire understand. There are certain life truths that we're confronted daily, that are completely unique to us.

So here is a list of 31 signs you dress like a slut. If you answer "yes" to half of these, I would say welcome to the dark side, baby. It's fun over here in the land of sexy attire. Keep owning it and no matter how many eye rolls you garner from basic bitches, just remember there is a whole tribe of us out there, fearlessly showing off our bare skin despite harrowing weather conditions.

We're the unsung soldiers of the world. Keep battling on.

1. The only difference between your summer wardrobe and your winter wardrobe is tights.
2. People always ask you if you're "cold."
3. The only difference between your lingerie and halloween costume is ears.
4. Before you go to a wedding, a bridesmaid will nervously ask you, "Um, so what you will be wearing? You know it's a Catholic wedding, right?" on behalf of the bride.
5. People are always raising their eyebrows at you, before telling you your style is "bold."
6. You put your clean clothes in the dryer so they shrink before you go out on the town.
7. You don't have normal shirts, every single shirt is cropped.
8. You have to borrow clothes from one of your normal friends when you have a job interview.
9. Even your formal dresses are cut-out dresses.
10. You lose clothes constantly at a hookup/SO's house because they're so tiny.
11. A first date outfit is a long conservative dress -- that's totally sheer.
12. You suddenly become self-conscious when in regular people places, like the grocery store.
13. Parents shield you from their children as if your "slutty attire" is contagious.
14. Conservative married women give you shameless looks of disgust, as they self-consciously tug on their Talbots sweaters and secretly take notes on your sexy outfit, wondering if maybe they should try out lace stockings for the hubby one of these days and break out of that horrible sexual rut they've been in since baby number four.
15. Gay men incessantly compliment you on your outfits. Doesn't matter if you're in the club, at the mall, on the street, in church. A gay man and a scantily-clad woman are two wonderful misfit peas in a pod.
16. Drag queens throw you shade at the club (but it's a conflicted shade. They just know you've given them a bit of competition now and they're not sure how they feel about it, but they're proud of you for owning your woman-ness and sort of respect you nonetheless).
17. You share clothes with your teenage niece.
18. You wear fishnets to job interviews and don't understand that fishnets to job interviews aren't totally normal.
19. You're never, ever, ever, ever, ever in flats. Mega platforms, skanky stilettos, sexy strappy sandals, but never flats. Maybe patent leather flat boots in emergency situations, but never ballet flats or sneakers. GAG.
20. The only time you're totally adamant about wearing a black bra is when you're wearing a thin white T-shirt that will showcase your black bra.
21. When you do try to dress conservative, you can't help but be sort of fetish about it. You end up looking like a secretary in a porn movie.
22. You definitely own black-framed, cat-eye glasses reminiscent of secretaries in porn movies.
23. None of your clothes are really daytime appropriate.
24. But your wardrobe thrives in the night.
25. People always assume you're a free-spirited European.
26. You have PTSD from constantly getting written up for "breaking dress code" in high school.
27. You accidentally shop in the children's section of American Apparel without even realizing it.
28. You've accepted a life spent freezing cold.
29. Your trendy lingerie-inspired slip dress is a real lingerie slip dress.
30. If you're forced to wear a big shirt for a bachelorette party or with a group, you cut it up and tie it up so it looks sexified.
31. Your style icons are pop icons -- Lady Gaga, Madonna, Rihanna. You wear what they wear on stage on the streets, babe. Don't. Ever. Change.