Coming to terms with a relationship that didn't work out isn't always easy. Depending on how things ended, it can take quite a while to move on from heartbreak, and that's OK. Thankfully, if you have the opportunity to have a conversation, knowing the right questions to ask your ex about your breakup can be a helpful way to find closure. Even though getting to the root of the issues you faced may be painful, the clarity gleaned from having an honest dialogue can be a helpful step in the healing process. According to behavior and relationship expert Dr. Patrick Wanis, Ph.D., getting clarity about any lingering questions can be an integral part of closure.
"Closure is when you've expressed all of your thoughts and feelings about the relationship, you've received all of the answers to your questions, and have an enlightened perspective on the relationship — that means you learned something about the relationship and you learned something about yourself," Dr. Wanis previously told Elite Daily. Although not every breakup is going to end on terms that allow you to have this conversation, if you and your ex are on speaking terms, here are some questions that may help you figure out what went wrong.
"When Did You Know Our Relationship Wasn't Going To Work Out?"
It may be helpful to understand when your ex realized the relationship was nearing its end. In fact, you may be surprised to find you weren't on the same page about the exact event that initiated the breakup. If this is the case, it might be healing to talk through what happened so you can clearly see how and when things changed from their perspective.
"From Your Perspective, What Were The Issues That Caused The Breakup?"
Even though there may have been one event that initiated the final breakup, usually, there are reoccurring themes at play. According to Diana Dorell, intuitive dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again, recurring conflicts are often a sign of a deeper issue. “Usually, when you find yourself fighting often, there is always a deeper issue that isn't being dealt with,” Dorell previously told Elite Daily. For example, if the breakup happened after you forgot your ex's birthday, that may not have been the first time you'd been forgetful or disappointed them. So, if you're still not clear on why they wanted to break up, understanding their position on the issues is key.
"Why Were We Unable To Work Through Those Issues?"
No relationship is perfect, and everyone is bound to make mistakes once in a while. However, being able to work through conflict is an important part of lasting partnerships, according to Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples' therapist in Los Angeles. Once you've established the root cause of why the relationship faltered, it may be helpful to discuss why you were unable to overcome the issues. Maybe you were fighting instead of arguing, two similar concepts that are ultimately very different. different. "In a fight, the object is to win," Dr. Brown previously told Elite Daily. "When having an actual argument, the object is to express yourselves, [and] be heard..."
"In Hindsight, Is There Anything You Would Have Done Differently?"
After having some time to reflect and process what happened, it's not uncommon for people to have regrets about things they did or said during a breakup. Although your ex might not feel they were in the wrong, asking if there's anything they would've done differently allows them to take responsibility for their role in the breakup.
In the end, asking your ex to relive your breakup can put both of you in a very vulnerable position. So, if they aren't comfortable having that conversation, then it's important to respect their wishes and find another way to gain closure for yourself. If they're OK with meeting up, then it may be helpful to have your own answers to these questions to ensure you both walk away with valuable insights.
